An INFJ’s Social Experience
Do you ever feel like a chameleon? Do you find yourself picking up the characteristics of those around you and easily adapting your behavior to meet their needs? Do you change depending on who you are around?
INFJs often feel as though they are different people depending on who they are with. One friend causes them to feel jovial, exuberant and the life of the party, whereas another friend may have them feeling melancholic. At work they may stand confident and assured, able to lead the masses, then at social gatherings they blend into the crowd.
Everyone changes slightly depending on their environment. However, many INFJs report changing dramatically, immediately and effortlessly. In some instances, they hardly notice that they have absorbed the characteristics of those around them until after the fact when they are remembering the experience. This change in behavior is referred to as the Chameleon Effect.
The Chameleon Effect stems from the INFJ’s cognitive functional stack which is perfectly designed to absorb the behaviors and personalities of others. The first piece of this chameleon-like ability stems from the INFJ’s inferior function, extroverted Sensing (Se).
Se function works subconsciously absorbing large amounts of sensory information. Aspects of another’s personality that most would miss and even the INFJ may consciously miss is being meticulously studied by their Se. This information is then fed to the dominant introverted iNtuition (Ni) function which can piece together large amounts of data effortlessly to reach an accurate conclusion, seemingly out of nowhere. Add in the extroverted Feeling (Fe) auxiliary function which causes the INFJ to want to connect with others on a comfortable level, and the recipe produces the Chameleon Effect.
An INFJ interacts with someone. Their Se absorbs large amounts of information about that individual. The Ni makes sense of that information, piecing it together to gain awareness of the bigger picture of who the individual really is. The Fe uses this knowledge to alter the INFJ’s behavior, ensuring complete comfort and satisfaction along with the ability to connect on a deeper level.
This functional stack is part of what makes INFJs feel like they can connect with almost anyone as well as allows them to easily understand any individual they meet.
On the whole, this can lead them to greater understanding of humanity in order to make phenomenal changes in the world. However, when the INFJ is frequently submerged in this chameleon-like state without taking time to reflect on who they truly are, they may begin to lose themselves in others, which can lead to an unhealthy state of being.
Consider whether you ever feel like a chameleon. Look back on recent interactions and think about how you altered your behaviors, whether consciously or subconsciously, becoming more like the person with whom you were interacting.
Recognizing this behavior is a fascinating look at the functional stack in action. As long as you become aware of what is occurring and remember to keep the real you from disappearing, observing the Chameleon Effect is a fun lesson in social science.
Leave a comment telling us about a time when you saw your Chameleon Effect in action.
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What a trip this is for me to lean about this INFJ! I am a man but what I’m reading describes me! After learning all these things I lost the need for a psychiatrist but instead of thinking somethings wrong I understand that it’s just me.
My mother and father both told me that my treating Dr. As an infant said I would always live inside myself! How could get know that? Anyway it’s really a matter now for learning more and having more faith in God in order to overcome my sever shyness. I appreciate the post and info. I’m going to keep learning more! Thanks,
I am shocked!!!!!!
I thought I am not normal till I had a MBTI test and found myself to be an INFJ
Now I am reading articles here and there and discovering that there people like me!!! and this article described something I had always though about in my life.
Do you recommend any book that deal with INFJ in particular.
Thanks very much
I am so glad that this information is helpful to you! I have a book that goes deeper into being an INFJ called The Empathic INFJ which is currently available on Amazon. You can learn more about it here.
I do this mostly at work. I am a nurse and I work with patients and families. I feel that it makes me more effective in my work. I connect with one person differently than another. Sometimes I feel weird, I know this is happening, but it is an asset. There are some people with whom it doesn’t happen, it’s like there’s no connection.
I am an INFJ male who had a successful 20-year career in the Marine Corps. I always felt like an actor in a play, because my heart was rarely into what I was doing. I always knew the right things to say and do, and played my part well out of a feeling of obligation. The only way I survived was the diversity of assignments that the military offers. I was able to bounce around every three years or so, and the newness of each assignment gave me a very temporary renewal of energy which usually fizzled out within a year. I stuck it out to bring home a paycheck for my family. My ISTJ wife does not understand how I can’t just dutifully keep doing something I am not happy with for the sake of the family. She calls me a “dreamer”, and now I kind of like that title. It is fitting.
I am caught in the same loop again as a corrections officer (CO). I took the job to get my family back home after retirement from the Marine Corps. I was able to sell myself as what they wanted to see in a corrections officer. I am a great actor, and have some physical stature to back it up. I have been doing the job for almost six years now. I put on my CO persona at work, which enables me to maintain control, and appear calm and confident. The job causes me much internal turmoil, which I can’t express to my wife. Any time I try to unload or vent, her mind reads it as I am quitting my job today and we won’t be able to make our mortgage payment. In actuality, I just want to express that the job is tough sometimes, which is met with the one-upsmanship of what she had to deal with that day. So I have given up. I will continue to be the person that my family expects me to be. On a positive note, being inside the walls of the jail allows me to establish rapport with some very misguided people, who I can provide guidance to. I do feel that this is where God wants me to be, even though my heart desires something that will make me happy and still be able to bring home a paycheck. Guilt and obligation are keeping me here.
My heart goes out to you. I’m an INFJ and also a former Marine. I was in only four years (enlisted), but was very fortunate in that I was surrounded by personalities that were somewhat unusual in the USMC (I was a linguist in the Intel field) and so found some kindred spirits.
I understand exactly what you are feeling. I’m so sorry.
Osla, thanks for your kind words and thank you for your service. Don’t downplay your four years. Many are not willing to serve, let alone become a Marine. It is very comforting to know that there are others out there like me. While I put forward what everyone expects on the outside, I don’t feel like such an alien anymore. Maybe once I retire from my current job, I will begin to use my real name online.
Hello, Anonymous. I wonder how many others there were/are like us in the military? At any rate, I can relate to the “feeling like an alien” all my life until I discovered I was an INFJ about 15 months ago. What a life changer.
I was married to a career Marine for a little over twenty years who may have been an ISTJ. He did not care for me venting any feelings and simply could not understand why anyone would think differently than he did. I think it will help you and your wife so much just having the knowledge that you do about MBTI theory. God bless you both 🙂
First, I want to say thank you for the service you provide and have provided for your country, your family, and the inmates under your watch. I don’t mean that to sound like a pat on the head and a reflexive affirming statement. I mean it because what you have done and do would be a considerable strain for anyone and when you add in the “dreamer” aspect of who you really are, those harsh realities do not align well.
Regarding your ISTJ wife, I am sorry that your need to release some of that strain is met with what feels like panic and dismissiveness or as you say “one upmanship.” I doubt it is understood by her that this is the effect her words have. An ISTJ leads with Si (internal sensation that includes collected memory of how things have been and with a need for them to remain that way, and a collector of detail). So, they tend to come from more of the tree rather than the forest perspective. Te auxiliary which adds structure to her perspective, but can mostly feel overly pat and too orderly to contain all you are experiencing. They are just made so differently than an INFJ. They also seem to come with quite a bit of anxiety and do not hold space for the feelings of others with quite as much ease as you likely do. They are deeply caring and dutiful people and are more likely to show love through acts of service, which explains why she cannot fathom why you can’t just do your duty for your family. That is the way she most likely ticks along through life. It cannot be easy for her either.
Now, these are generalities from someone who does not know either of you nor has ever experienced what marriage is like between these two different types. So, take what I say with caution and see if it fits your specifics. One way to communicate your feelings to her is to structure quickly and specifically (to the point) what you need from her. Maybe tell her that 1. you need her to listen, 2. Do not want to be interrupted because you need to process some feelings, and 3. don’t want judgment, advice, or any comparison to her own situation. 4. and probably key: specifically assure her that your need to vent does not mean that you plan on quitting your job.
An Istj needs specifics, parameters, and utmost clarity. Because they usually are very caring people, this may help to facilitate understanding.
I don’t know if this is helpful. I wrote it in hopes it would be. If it feels wrong or presumptuous — do not pay it any mind.
Wishing you well and good luck!
Anonymity Rocks, I really appreciate you taking the time to post. I posted for three reasons. (1) I really needed to vent. (2) I was hoping that someone would read it, be able to relate, and not feel so alone. (3) I was really hoping to get some feedback, which you have so kindly provided.
I have to say that I am blessed to be married to the same woman for twenty years. Our love for each other is enough to get through differences that arise. Your explanation of how she processes her environment is very helpful. Your description of her at the end of the second paragraph is pretty spot-on. I will try your advice when I want to bring up a subject that I know will not be received very well. I have lots of experience to base this on.
I do want to conclude by saying that my wife is a very caring, very responsible person who I have great respect for. Through her example, she makes me a better person. I would love to just go wherever the wind blows me. She keeps me grounded and focused on goals. She is the reason I stuck it out in the Corps for 20 years. She is not very affectionate, but has her moments. I have learned to give her her space and wait for the signals. I respect it, because I have a very strong sense of personal space. I met her at age 23 and she was a 20 year old working three jobs to live on her own. I was very impressed with her work ethic.
So, thanks again for the advice. I will give it a try. You were very kind to take the time to reply.
Please tell me what all the initials stand for.I am an empath that is also an intuitive. What is istj? Thanks.
Hi Susan. The letters refer to the sixteen Myers-Briggs personality types. ISTJ stands for Introvert, Sensing, Thinking, Judging. You can learn more as well as take the basic personality type test here: http://www.mypersonality.info/basic-vs-pro/personality-type-test
Thanks for clarifying what the initials meant. I have taken these test,but think they also may change,depending where you are at in life. They give you basic personality traits and it is awesome to belong to a group of people who share the same,so am looking forward to exploring new tools and new ides to what I already know. I am a HSP Empath,that seems to be missing from this test. Love and Peace,Susan
Last week at the end of the week, I was very stressed at work and with my work location since Presidential protesters have been reeking havoc on the city and making commuting more stressful. I took this weekend to play with my son at science museum and relaxed most of the day yesterday. I decided to work from home today to give myself one more day away from others’ emotions.